Establishing and nurturing lifelong relationships with friends, family, colleagues, and clients is one of the most rewarding parts of life. We all know that relationships are important — to our health and happiness, to the progression of our careers, and to getting the most out of what life has to offer.
Yet, we’ve all been guilty of letting a relationship go cold, only to regret it later. The leading excuse for losing touch? Time — not having enough of it. As a result, the relationship weakens.
As interactions become less frequent, relationships become more difficult to pick back up. There comes a time when we can’t recall the last time we connected, which makes us too embarrassed to reach out. We’re worried the conversation will be seen as transactional: “They must want something.”
Think of relationships like a classic car. Left neglected and undriven, the car won’t run and might even begin to rust. The maintenance needed will continue to pile up. However, with a little time, attention, and even a bit of elbow grease, it can be restored to its former glory. Here are a few tips for bringing those “rusty relationships” back to life:
Great relationship builders invest in relationships when they do not need anything in return. This approach shows real authenticity and a true desire to invest in and connect with others, rather than giving the impression that you are just looking for a favor. Some of these old relationships may need a jolt of energy as if you’re recharging a car’s battery. You can inject new enthusiasm into a relationship easily by sending a quick “just checking in” text or sharing a memory that pops up to reinvigorate the connection.
Use bridge connections to find common ground. A great tool to bring new life to a relationship is to engage your bridge connections — common people or interests that connect you. When considering dormant relationships to revisit, those with the closest bridge ties to the person you want to reconnect with should be the easiest and most advantageous to revitalize. Perhaps you heard through a bridge that the person you’d like to rekindle a relationship with took on a new role, had a baby, or experienced another big change. Asking about these updates or congratulating them on the success can help bring the relationship back to the forefront. Consider saying things like, “Nancy seems to be getting traction in the London market. Did you see that she was honored at the event last week?” Or “It’s been ages since I’ve seen Jose. Are you still in that leadership forum with him and the others from the summit?”
Address past issues and commit to a new path moving forward to restart conversations. Carefully consider what went wrong previously in the relationship and be open and honest about what’s different this time around. For example, “We used to do a great job updating each other on industry news. I’m sorry I dropped the ball. I saw your CEO on Bloomberg yesterday and realized how much I valued our exchanges. I’m attaching some recent statistics from our research team that you might find interesting. Let’s catch up soon.”
Proactively reach out to stay connected. Whether you need support, advice, an introduction, or a job, it doesn’t look great if you wait to reach out to someone only when you need their help. You should have been in contact all along. It’s acceptable to ask your network for favors if the relationship is real. However, only reaching out when you need something sends a clear message that the connection you have is one-sided — that it’s about you, and not the relationship.
Reach out quickly and with intention. Keep in mind that the research suggests relationships run cold after three weeks of no attention. Next time you meet someone at a conference or event, don’t wait a month or two before saying hello. Reach out quickly and with something intentionally relevant. Speed and relevancy are essential to success. Reaching out two days after meeting to say something generic like, “It was nice to meet you” is low value and may not bear fruit. Similarly, reaching out five weeks later to follow up on something relevant runs the risk of the person not remembering you.
All relationships benefit from a revisit and it’s important not to let the daunting task of relationship maintenance overwhelm the value of two strong, committed partners. Just as a classic car can be brought back from rusty neglect to clock many more miles on the open road, so too can those cherished relationships that have lost their shine.
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All posts are the opinion of the author. As such, they should not be construed as investment advice, nor do the opinions expressed necessarily reflect the views of CFA Institute or the author’s employer.
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