Ever notice how the best relationship advice often asks us to do less, not more? After years of overthinking every text message and analyzing every date like it was breaking news, I finally learned this lesson the hard way.
When my four-year relationship ended in my mid-twenties, I thought I knew exactly what went wrong. We wanted different things—simple as that. But sitting in my therapist’s office months later, tissues in hand, I discovered something that changed everything about how I approach relationships.
“You’re trying to control outcomes that aren’t yours to control,” she told me. And she was right.
Dr. John Gottman, who’s spent decades studying what makes relationships work, found that successful couples don’t actually solve most of their problems—they learn how to manage them. But here’s what struck me: before you can manage problems together, you have to stop creating unnecessary ones yourself.
After working through my own attachment patterns and watching friends navigate the dating world, I’ve noticed five specific behaviors that sabotage relationships before they even have a chance. Here’s what happens when you finally stop doing them.
1. Stop trying to be the person you think they want
Remember that exhausting feeling of trying to be “on” all the time? Early in dating, I’d curate myself like a social media feed—only showing the highlights, hiding anything messy or complicated.
But here’s what therapy taught me: the relationship you build on a performance will always require that performance. If you pretend to love hiking when you’d rather read indoors, guess what you’ll be doing every weekend?
The irony is that authenticity—the thing we’re most afraid to show—is exactly what creates real connection. When I finally started admitting on first dates that I sometimes eat cereal for dinner and can quote entire episodes of reality TV, something shifted. The wrong people filtered themselves out faster, and the right ones leaned in closer.
Think about your closest friendships. Did they form because you were perfect? Or because you were real?
2. Stop treating emotional availability like a weakness
For most of my twenties, I wore my busyness like armor. Deadline at work? Perfect excuse to avoid a difficult conversation. New project? Great reason to keep things surface-level.
I’d convinced myself that independence meant never needing anyone. But independence and interdependence aren’t opposites—they’re dance partners. Healthy relationships require both.
When you stop hiding behind your schedule and start showing up emotionally, something beautiful happens. Vulnerability becomes a bridge, not a burden. Those moments when you admit you’re struggling or share something you’re genuinely excited about? That’s where intimacy lives.
A partner once told me that watching me finally drop my guard and ask for help was when they truly fell for me. All that time I’d spent trying to seem invulnerable had actually been keeping us apart.
3. Stop turning every interaction into data collection
A friend once watched me on a date and later said, “You know you’re not writing an article about him, right?” She was joking, but barely.
I’d turned dating into investigative journalism. What’s your relationship with your mother like? Where do you see yourself in five years? How do you handle conflict? I was gathering data points instead of having actual conversations.
This analytical approach might work for headlines, but relationships aren’t problems to solve. They’re experiences to share. When you stop interviewing and start connecting, dates become less like job screenings and more like… well, dates.
Now I try to approach new people with curiosity rather than an agenda. Instead of mentally checking boxes, I focus on how I feel in their presence. Do we laugh at the same things? Does conversation flow naturally? These aren’t metrics you can measure, but they matter more than any compatibility questionnaire.
4. Stop making your partner responsible for your emotional regulation
This one hit hard during therapy. I’d been unconsciously expecting partners to manage my moods, validate every feeling, and somehow predict what I needed without me having to ask.
Dr. Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that secure relationships require two people who can self-soothe while also reaching for each other. It’s not either-or; it’s both-and.
When you stop making your partner your emotional thermostat, you free them up to be your partner, not your therapist. This doesn’t mean handling everything alone—it means taking responsibility for your own emotional baseline while accepting support when offered.
I learned that my tendency to analyze everything could be exhausting for partners who just wanted to vent without receiving a full psychological assessment in return. Sometimes “that sounds really hard” is better than solving their problem.
5. Stop waiting for certainty before taking emotional risks
We want guarantees before we invest. We want to know it’ll work out before we go all in. But relationships don’t come with warranties, and waiting for certainty means waiting forever.
After my big breakup, I spent months in therapy understanding my attachment patterns—patterns I’d been repeating since college without realizing it. What I discovered was that my need for certainty was actually keeping me from the very connection I craved.
Every relationship is a leap of faith. You can do your due diligence, pay attention to red flags, and make informed choices. But at some point, you have to jump. Not recklessly, but courageously.
The best relationships aren’t built by people who never doubt—they’re built by people who choose to trust despite the uncertainty. When you stop waiting for guarantees and start taking calculated emotional risks, you open yourself to possibilities that playing it safe never could offer.
Final thoughts
Sitting in that therapist’s office years ago, I thought I needed to learn how to do relationships better. Turns out, I needed to learn what to stop doing.
These days, I approach relationships differently. Not perfectly—I still catch myself conducting stealth interviews on dates sometimes. But I’m learning that love isn’t about control or performance or certainty. It’s about showing up as yourself and letting someone else do the same.
The best relationships don’t begin when you find the right person. They begin when you stop being the wrong version of yourself. And that’s something we can all start working on today.
