Mediation Is a Calling That Can Change the World

Do you have a personal vision for changing the world? Do you see the work and service you provide as potentially world-changing? Perhaps this is hyperbole, but I believe it helps as we go through the drudgery of work to remind ourselves of the fundamental contributions we make and how our work matters.

There are many routes we can take to change the world, but for me, it is the role of mediator. In “Everyday Mediator,” I provide concrete tools for facilitating mediation processes for professionals and “everyday” people in the world around them. I also provide context and a vision for service as an “everyday mediator” and why it matters.

I pose this question in the introduction: “What if every third person were a mediator?” I answer: “If enough of us are helping at least two others address their conflict in the many spaces and places where there is a need (and there are endless needs), wouldn’t the flapping butterfly wings of our efforts contribute to the change we need in the world? This is world-changing.”

Of course, we don’t need a high-level vision of world change to be effective mediators (or to be effective in any role). But embracing a broader vision transforms the job we hold and the profession we choose to a calling we live and breathe.

Daniel Bowling and David Hoffman, editors of “Bringing Peace Into the Room: How the Personal Qualities of the Mediator Impact the Process of Conflict Resolution,” refer to “integration” as the process by which a person connects physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the people they serve and the environment in which they serve. In mediation, this “comes in part from developing a strong identification with our role: the transition from feeling that ‘I am someone who mediates’ to realizing that ‘I am a mediator’ — from seeing mediation as work that we do to seeing it as an integral part of our identity.”

As I work with and support fellow and aspiring mediators, and as I share in “Everyday Mediator,” I encourage various mindsets and opportunities for reflection to help them establish this identity and develop a vision and purpose for their work — especially during “hard days.”

Consider a bad day when you needed a mediator.

The foundational story for “Everyday Mediator” is about a harrowing school bus trip I took one day in my youth. No one offered me a seat and I was ridiculed. Then a girl named Michelle offered a seat and, in her quiet empathy and presence, modeled the attributes that inform the book’s seven practices.

When did you need the moderating force of someone like Michelle to mediate a conflict? As I state: “Who offered you a seat during conflict? Did they listen fully and without judgment? How did you know that you mattered and that, regardless of your role in the conflict or mistakes you made, you could feel safe, understood, and supported?”

Perhaps we gravitate to certain work and develop our passion based on our worst days. If you are thinking about being a mediator, or enriching your current work in the field, start by considering what you needed during those bad days. Then, go and provide it to others, and let those experiences motivate you to build your life’s work.

Consider how you will serve your “difficult person” through mediation.

Mediators must manage their biases and prejudices. Often, this can be done through self-awareness to provide objective support, even for those whose personalities challenge you. Yet, we all have biases which cannot be easily put away.

I engage mediation trainees in a projection exercise that asks them to consider the positive qualities they see in themselves or to which they aspire, then to consider the worst traits of their “difficult person.” Then, I ask them to think broadly and consider possibilities where the “halo” they’ve put on themselves is demonstrated in a different, and often jarring, way through the negative “horn” attributes they’ve put on their difficult person. Could they perhaps be seeking the same goals as you, just in a different way?

There are, of course, limits to supporting someone who “pushes your buttons.” But the point of this exercise is, in part, to challenge us to recognize our own vulnerabilities and weaknesses and dig more deeply to support the legitimate needs of others. If we only mediate for those we like and who are like us, we won’t mediate. We aren’t called to mediate only when it’s easy.

Develop mediator “presence.”

Bowling and Hoffman’s discussion of “integration” speaks to this concept of mediator presence. Gary Friedman, mediator and author of “Inside-Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients,” refers to this as “the challenging art of being aware, in the moment, of the emotional currents and subtexts that are shaping a conflict.”

I emphasize presence in the context of listening: “The mediator is present during the bumpy ride as participants share their experiences. They don’t need judges, critics, and scoffers. They need to feel that you can experience the difficulty or pain they feel as though you are sitting right next to them in real time as the experience is unfolding.”

Developing presence takes time, starting with awkward motions as a newer mediator, developing confidence and muscle memory to apply and reapply learned skills through practice, and transitioning to unforced moments of connection and transformation.

One example I’ve experienced in this journey, and heard other mediators report, is when the mediator realizes their vulnerability, rather than certainty, is a key to helping parties find a path to resolution. These are moments when we:

let go of control and give parties control in deciding for themselves. become less reactive and more calm in difficult conversations. acknowledge when we don’t have answers which, after all, lie in the parties’ hands. become silent to allow moments for parties seemingly to forget you’re in the room to process concerns together while feeling more calm simply because you are there to step in if needed.

Some of these practices are counterintuitive. “You’re saying do less, not more?” Precisely!

I boldly state in my book that “if enough of us start thinking and acting in terms of being an everyday mediator, we can bring positive change to the world.” But let’s worry less about world change and focus more on changing the world for those we support through mediation. As you continue to engage in authentic “everyday” mediation practices, and see the results, you’ll understand how mediation can be a calling, not just a job.