Financial infidelity hurts, but there are ways to get past it

Spotting signs of financial infidelity

Finding out your partner has been keeping financial secrets from you—whether it’s hiding debt, concealing big-ticket purchases, or an undisclosed bank account—can be hurtful, and even a deal breaker for many couples. While it can be hard to trust your spouse again, experts say there are ways to navigate financial infidelity.

Often, people find out about financial betrayal the hard way. It’s either when a spouse feelstheir back is up against the wall and they decide to come clean, or the other half starts picking up on red flags, said Jeri Bittorf, a financial wellness co-ordinator with Resolve Counselling Services Canada.

Indications such as seeing your partner stressed about money even when you perceive things to be fine, or seeing a debt collection letter arrive, could mean something is wrong. “That might start tipping them off that there might be something a little bit more,” Bittorf said. Some people have also found out about financial infidelity while making bigger purchases that require a credit check, or during the mortgage renewal process.

It can have a cascading effect on the lives of both partners, such as negatively impacting joint financial goals or affecting both of their credit reports, she said. “Financial betrayal is a serious type of betrayal,” Bittorf said.

Can couples recover from financial betrayal?

Saijal Patel comes across cases of financial betrayal often in her line of work. Patel, the founder of financial consultancy and education firm Saij Elle, said one of the top comments she hears from clients is: “I learned my partner had all this secret debt, I had no idea, or I learned that they were giving away money to their family members without telling me.”

Patel recalled a client whose husband had racked up debt because of a tanking business, and her client didn’t know about it. Eventually, the couple lost everything and ultimately separated.

But not all financial dishonesties end in separations or divorces, she said. If a couple decides to work through it, Patel said it’s possible to get past financial betrayal.

Sellery said it’s important to understand the context. “The root cause matters,” he said. Start with the five Ws: who, what, where, when and why to get to the facts. Was the person hiding debt because they were helping a sick relative or because of substance abuse, for example. Frequency of dishonesty also matters—whether it was the first time or has this been a pattern, Sellery said. At the same time, communicate how the betrayal made you feel, he said. Talk about how it made you anxious, stressed or made you question your marital choices. 

Rebuilding trust—and your finances

Financial issues can also dredge up feelings of shame or guilt. Bittorf said the couple should seek counselling to understand where communication may have broken down.

If the dishonesty is debt-related, she said a financial planner can help you understand the full impact of the debt, the type of loans that were taken on and what budgeting would look like to get through the situation.

It’s also important to understand responsibilities, such as whether both partners would work equally at paying back this debt, or just the person responsible for it. “It’s really important that some really good boundaries are set and some really good expectations are set so both people in the relationship know exactly what their role is in moving forward,” Bittorf said.

Patel said agreeing to transparency in finances can help rebuild trust. She said the couple should figure out what may be their non-negotiables, such as having a joint account, scheduling regular check-ins, and sharing bank and credit card statements.

“Talk about those financial goals and your values,” she said. “When you have a shared goal … it’s much easier to get everyone on the same page,” Patel said.

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