Dave Says: There’s No Fun in Dysfunctional

Dear Dave,
My husband and I are both 25. We’ve been married just over a year. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and we have one baby. Because I’m home with our son and my husband works outside the home, he believes he gets to make all the financial decisions. He eats out and buys whatever he feels like but tells me I can’t do the same. He says getting to be at home all day and having things like television, electricity and air conditioning are my luxuries. I try to be understanding because he works hard, but this is causing real tension between us. Do you have any advice?
Christina

Dear Christina,
There’s just no other way to say this: You married a child in a man’s body. He’s treating you like a second-class citizen, and I’m truly sorry you’re finding out the hard way that your husband’s a twit. This is just about the most dysfunctional thing I’ve ever heard.

I want you to really pay attention because I’m about to stack how things should be up against how they stand. When you’re married, regardless of who earns the money, you both have an income. You each have a say in where every single one of those dollars goes. My wife hasn’t worked outside the home in about 40 years. But she has an incredible income because we have an incredible income — together. And we, together, decide what to do with our income.

Are you understanding these words clearly? None of this is happening in your marriage. Just because I earn an income at my job and my wife doesn’t have an earned income personally, that doesn’t invalidate her power or right to a vote within our household. She has exactly the same rights I do — morally, spiritually and legally.

This is not okay, Christina. None of it. You are living in a majorly dysfunctional marriage, and it’s something I can’t fix within the confines of a column. Some marriage counseling is way overdue here. And if he won’t go with you as a couple, you go alone. All I can do is confirm that you’re not the crazy one here. The feelings you have about things being really messed up are 100% spot-on.

At the very least, I think your whole family desperately needs to get involved with a good, strong, local church. I’m talking about a healthy church. One that doesn’t support your husband’s ridiculous, backwards ideas. One that has some real men who can teach this little boy how to be a man. Because true masculinity is service-oriented. A real man serves his wife, and he serves his children. And that isn’t happening here.
— Dave

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