by Daniel B. Griffith
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Who among us holds the title “mediator”? I suspect that few reading this article will say, “That’s me!”
Who among us serves as mediators in their work? A few more may acknowledge this truth, though many more should, as the role (if not title) of “mediator” reflects the daily reality of their work. Perhaps it’s your reality.
This reality is at the heart of why I wrote “Everyday Mediator: Seven Practices for Navigating Conflict.” As I state, “Though mediation is often seen as something only the experts can do, such as lawyer-mediators helping parties avoid protracted lawsuits, we all have the skills, aptitude, expertise, and gravitas — right now — to be the mediator others need.”
I am not alone in this sentiment. In “The Mediator’s Handbook,” Jennifer Beer and Caroline Packard state that “people from all walks of life and with all types of education can learn to be effective mediators. . . Even if you don’t earn part of your living mediating disputes, there are plenty of conflicts that might benefit from your mediation skills.”
William Ury, author of “Getting to Yes” and many other books on negotiation and conflict resolution, states in “The Third Side: Why We Fight and How We Can Stop” that “we may not think of it as mediation, but that is what we are doing whenever we listen attentively to people in dispute, when we ask them about what they really want, when we suggest possible approaches, and when we urge them to think hard about the costs of not reaching agreement.”
Leaders, pay attention. To be effective, you must be a mediator. Mark Gerzon, author of “Leading Through Change: How Successful Leaders Transform Differences into Opportunities,” notes that the role of “Mediator (with a capital M)” is the “emerging leadership archetype of” our times: “This kind of leader transforms conflict from a force that can be destructive and divisive into one that is healing and connecting. Since we human beings urgently need to make conflict work for us rather than against us, those who can lead through conflict hold the key.”
After working many years in the conflict resolution field and providing mediation training for leaders, professionals, and “everyday” people, I searched for the appropriate metaphor to stress the importance of mediating in everyday workplace contexts. I found it, based on personal experience, in the painful, lonely experience a child faces on a school bus when no one offers a seat and, worse, ridicules them. If we can imagine what our employees experience daily when enduring unresolved conflict, we may better appreciate the need to develop ourselves as mediators to step in and “offer a seat.”
You can sign up for expensive training to develop mediating skills, though often in contexts that don’t apply to you, such as courses for lawyers to serve as mediators within the legal system. Or you can start by recognizing that your mediation skills are innate and perhaps need honing and placement in a context for facilitating appropriate communication processes for those you serve. It starts with essential skills for communicating, listening, expressing empathy, demonstrating vulnerability, and framing issues for better understanding (to name a few).
You can then build from this foundation to structure your mediation service with a set of accessible, fluid practices. These include:
Recognize the call. Develop a vision for yourself to serve as a mediator in your role, if not in name, to meaningfully support others through conflict. Respond in the moment. People in conflict can’t wait for tidy times and places to sit down at your convenience. They need your immediacy and attention. If you are a leader, you understand this. The same applies as a mediator. This also minimizes conflict escalation. Offer a seat. Conflicts rarely occur in places of peace and solitude. We must help others find a safe space as the chaos of work swirls around us. This could be your office. Or it could be a coffee shop, a park bench, or the hallway outside a conference room where a conflict between two colleagues suddenly arises. Sit with others. Listen, demonstrate empathy, be quiet yet present — these are hallmarks of an effective mediator. You put others at ease when they know your patient, neutral presence allows space and time, without interjections or an attempt to fix things your way. Share the ride. There is an “old school” notion that mediators must be distant and impersonal to maintain neutrality and impartiality. Rather, the more you establish connection, vulnerability, and empathy, as though you are experiencing their difficulties with them, the more all parties will come to appreciate the realities of the conflict without feeling you are taking sides. Bring transformative power. People in conflict must make choices about how, or if, they will resolve their conflict, but mediators serve as catalysts. Your presence transforms one person’s response, breaking down their defenses, which in turn breaks down whatever defenses the other person is holding onto. Support a dignified exit. All mediations must end. Mediators hope they will end well but can’t control what the participants will ultimately decide. You help plan the best conclusion possible. With resolution, you help identify the next steps to ensure individuals honor and fulfill their agreements. With or without resolution, you ensure their dignity and self-worth remain intact and, as best possible, offer a glimmer of hope for resolution later.
Additional mediation training is always beneficial, but not always affordable or available when you need it. Recognize that you have the skills and aptitude you need — right now — to assist others through the conflicts in the world in which you live, work, and serve.
It isn’t only medical professionals who receive the clarion call, “Is there a doctor in the house?” Is there a mediator in the house? That mediator is you!
