I spent years convinced I’d break the cycle. My parents, well-meaning as they were, had their shortcomings. Too much criticism here, not enough emotional availability there. I catalogued every misstep, every harsh word, every moment I felt misunderstood. And I promised myself that when my turn came, I’d do it all differently.
Last week, someone close to me said something that stopped me cold: “You’re so focused on not being critical that you never tell me when I’m actually messing up. Sometimes I need that.”
There it was. In my determination to avoid my parents’ mistakes, I’d created an entirely new problem. Different damage, same result: someone who’ll need therapy for something.
The myth of the perfect correction
We tell ourselves a comforting story. Our parents messed up in specific ways, so if we just do the opposite, we’ll get it right. They were too strict? We’ll be understanding. They were emotionally distant? We’ll be present and available. They pushed too hard? We’ll let people find their own way.
But here’s what nobody mentions: overcorrection creates its own problems.
I’ve been reading Alain de Botton’s work on emotional inheritance lately, and he makes a fascinating point about how each generation tends to swing like a pendulum away from the previous one’s approach. The strict parent produces the permissive parent who produces the strict parent again. Round and round we go.
Think about your own choices for a moment. How many of them are actually reactions to what you experienced as a child? How many times have you caught yourself thinking, “I’ll never say that” or “People will always know they can talk to me about anything”?
These aren’t bad impulses. But they’re incomplete.
When good intentions meet reality
After my divorce, I had to look hard at how I’d been showing up in relationships. The split forced me to examine how much I’d been coasting in my personal life while being fully present at work. I realized I’d been so busy being the “understanding one” who never said no that I’d forgotten people actually need boundaries.
Someone younger in my life started acting out. When I finally asked what was wrong, they said something that haunts me: “You’re so worried about making me happy that I don’t know what the rules are anymore.”
We’d been so concerned about shielding them from conflict that we’d created a different kind of instability.
There’s a video on this that I watched recently on Gentle Parenting- it was quite the eye-opener. As parents, we try our best, and usually, the current trends shape our parenting methods. But sometimes, we don’t realize that in putting our trust into what “the experts” say, we remove our own intuition.
The psychologist Diana Baumrind identified different parenting styles back in the 1960s, and her research still holds up. She found that kids need both responsiveness and demandingness. Not one or the other. Both. When we swing too far in either direction to compensate for our own childhood experiences, we rob young people of that balance.
Have you ever noticed how the things that trigger you most are usually connected to your own childhood wounds? The tantrum that sends you over the edge. The behavior that makes you irrationally angry. These moments are telling us something important about our own unfinished business.
The inheritance we didn’t choose
Every person carries two inheritances: what was done to them and what they do in response. Both shape the next generation.
Losing my dad a few years ago forced me to think about this differently. As I sorted through his belongings, I found old letters he’d written but never sent, journals where he’d worried about being good enough. He’d been trying to correct for his own father’s absence during the war years.
In trying not to be absent, he became overbearing. In trying not to be distant, he became intrusive. His corrections became my childhood challenges, which became my overcorrections, which are becoming the next generation’s challenges.
Carl Jung wrote about this phenomenon, calling it the “unlived life of the parent.” The fears we don’t face, the patterns we don’t acknowledge, these become the next generation’s psychological inheritance whether we intend it or not.
The paradox of conscious parenting
Here’s the thing that really gets me: the more aware we become of our impact, the more we realize how much is beyond our control.
We can read all the books, follow all the expert advice, be mindful and present and emotionally attuned. The people we influence will still need to work through something. They’ll still have complaints. They’ll still need to differentiate themselves from us by rejecting some of what we offered, even the good stuff.
I’ve noticed this with friends who pride themselves on their conscious approach. The young people in their lives often rebel against the very consciousness itself. “My mom was always asking about my feelings,” one friend’s daughter complained. “Sometimes I just wanted her to leave me alone.”
You can’t win. And maybe that’s the point.
Philip Larkin’s famous poem “This Be The Verse” begins with a line about how parents mess up their kids. It’s harsh, but there’s truth in it. Not because parents are terrible, but because we’re human. We’re working with incomplete information, our own unhealed wounds, and a world that keeps changing faster than we can adapt.
Finding grace in the gaps
So where does this leave us? If we can’t avoid causing some form of harm, what’s the point of trying?
The point is humility. And honesty. And the radical act of admitting to those we influence that we’re figuring this out as we go.
I’ve started having different conversations with people close to me. Instead of pretending I have all the answers, I tell them when I’m unsure. When I mess up, I apologize specifically, not with a general “sorry if I hurt you” but with “I was wrong when I did this specific thing.”
This isn’t about self-flagellation or constant apologizing. It’s about modeling what it looks like to be a flawed human trying to do better.
Research on secure attachment shows that parents don’t need to be perfect. They need to be “good enough” and able to repair when things go wrong. The repair might actually be more important than getting it right the first time.
When we acknowledge our limitations, we give others permission to be imperfect too. When we admit we’re reacting to our own childhood sometimes, we help them understand that their feelings about us are valid, even when we’re doing our best.
The bottom line
Every generation of parents thinks they’ll be the ones to get it right. We won’t repeat our parents’ mistakes. We’ll heal our trauma before passing it on. We’ll be different.
And we are different. Just not in the way we expected.
The real breakthrough comes when we stop trying to be perfect and start trying to be honest. When we recognize that those who come after us will have their own work to do, their own patterns to unpack, their own corrections to make with the next generation.
This isn’t failure. It’s the human condition.
The gift we can give isn’t a damage-free childhood. It’s the awareness that everyone’s carrying something, everyone’s doing their best with what they know, and everyone deserves compassion for their struggles, including us.
Maybe that conversation, that admission of imperfection, that moment of genuine humility, becomes the foundation for something better. Not perfect, but better. Not damage-free, but honest.
And maybe that’s enough.
